Where has the year gone?...+ Moving on

I sit on the couch tapping my over grown fingernails on the keyboard as I search for inspiration and try to think of something profound and yet delightfully witty to write about.  Trying to discuss this past year and all it entailed (since you wouldn't know from reading my blog posts or rather lack thereof).  I try to remember all the lil tidbits that would come to my mind throughout all these days past that I thought I'd like to share.  I pull up a few of the blogs and news outlets I read online daily and try to search for the different articles/ blog entries that have sparked ideas and suddenly a flood of questions hits me..... Where has the year gone?  Why didn't I ever get to all those things I said I was going to do "later"?  What was it I was doing that was so important that I continued to put it all off time and time again? What did I do in this year that made me happy? Am I truly happy with where I am?  What I'm doing?  Where I've come?  No.  I'm not.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my life and thank the good Lord every day that I'm blessed to have it.  I have a healthy, loving husband, the greatest, funniest 9 yr old there ever was, 2 of the freakin' cutest chihuahua puppies you've ever seen, and family and friends that know me best and still somehow manage to love me the most.  I'm a blessed and fortunate girl and I know it.  But blessings and luck will only get you so far, at some point in every success story there's good old fashioned work, hard work.  And I, well to be honest, I haven't been putting in the work.  I've been doing the bare minimum and expecting things to just happen. Not taking any steps forward, just kinda getting by and hoping things would somehow change, they'd have to right?  You might be able to tell by the number of blog entries, things haven't exactly worked out that way.  Somehow I'm not sure, I've forgotten that I am *an aspiring photographer; hell it even says so on the top page of this blog!  Yet, I've tried not to really get into it and what it's meant to me, the struggles I've encountered and the times I've wanted to scream and the times I've wanted to cry.  But why, why even try to hide that?  Why not talk about my faults, but then the lessons I've learned through them?  Why not be open throughout this process and share this journey?  That's what I intended, it's the reason I started this blog, because I was ready, ready to pursue what I wanted out of this life and I was ready to see what all that would mean to me.  So now, what do I have to lose?  People will hate it?...OK, so they won't read it.  Seriously, worse things have happened.  :)

Here I sit now another year older and although I'm not exactly where I'd like to be I finally realize if this is ever going to work, I'm gonna have to work my ass off for it.  And now suddenly, I'm ok with that.  :)

Since every post is better with a pic, here's the camera I'm currently lusting saving up for.  I had hoped the rumors were true and the new Canon 5D Mark III would be released on my birthday, but alas no.  Not that I would've been up ordering it from B&H, but ah well, a girl can dream!

Till next time
-Triny

**part of moving on and doing more rather than just thinking about it involves sharing the work that's been sitting on my computer waiting to be seen by someone other than me (of course, the clients have had their discs for months).  So up next 7 sessions!!!  It's really late, but I'm already going and don't wanna quit till it's done so there may not be much to read, but of course you've read plenty already!  ;)

Kay'Lynn

Kay'Lynn is my gorgeous Goddaughter whom I love and adore more than words can say!  She's kind, generous, smart, funny, a great student and athlete, and obviously I could go on and on but I'll stop now because she's also very modest and wouldn't like all the praise! (even though it's ALL true! ;))

For a few weeks Kay'Lynn and I made plans to get together and just 'play' around, there was this shot I had in my head that I just HAD to get out; but this being West Texas we were delayed by dirt, dust, extremely high winds, and all kinds of other yuckiness.  Thankfully there was this one Sunday afternoon when the sky was blue, not brown and the wind had decided that a breeze would do just fine.  So we thanked Mother Nature for all her beauty and took full advantage! :) 

Here are a few of my favorites from our breezy Sunday afternoon. 

 

these 'genuine' laughs are courtesy of Buddy's impression of me (that he was doing AS we were shooting), "move a little this way, now a little more, wait. that's puuuurrrrrfect!!!" ;)

the Bud strikes again! 

Call me bias if you want, but that's just gorgeous!!! 

working a lil w/ my pocket wizards, definitely need more practice.  any takers?  ;)

Kay, thank you soo soo much for helping your Nina practice.  I had so much fun, I can't wait to do it again! 

Accept this time we're getting the shot, no matter what! ;)  Love ya bunches!   

Till next time

-Triny

What was I thinking???? + Facing Fear

Ay, ay, ay, ay, where to begin.  Well, I guess the beginning is as good as anywhere else.  So let's see, it's been three months since my last post, that's right folks, three. whole. months. :(  Not anywhere near the three posts a week I had hoped to be accomplishing by this point.  (actually that was my New Year's resolution, but I didn't share it w/ anyone for fear that I'd be called out rather quickly for not keeping it, which is the problem with all my other resolutions ;))  FEAR, it's a funny four letter word when you think about it.  It can get you in as much trouble as it's four letter couterparts, yet not for speaking, shrieking, or screaming it at the top of your lungs; but rather for what it makes you do or not do.  FEAR has kept me from exploring my thoughts, sharing my journey, looking deep down into the core of me and asking myself the hard questions: What is it in this life that I truly desire to do?  Who is it that I think I want to be?  Where is it that I really hope to go?  And the toughest of all, What if I don't succeed???  FEAR.  It stings like ice to your skin and really hits you where it hurts most.  To some it can be paralyzing, to others a greater motivation to achieve, to me; to me it's like an inner voice keeping me contained inside my own little box, my thoughts, my words, my dreams, all help captive by a simple word, FEAR. 

It was my birthday weekend and Johnny had planned a wonderful surprise party for me with some of our nearest and dearest friends at my favorite restaurant.  After dinner we all went back to the house for a few drinks where the ladies could gather around the table and talk and the men aligned themselves in the living room each w/ his perfect spot to see "the fight".  The drinks were flowing right along with the laughs and we stopped for a minute so I could open presents.  Admittedly, I have the best friends from whom I received some really great and thoughtful presents, but one stood out among the others.  Not b/c I liked it more than anyone else's, I'd always wanted one, or b/c I had asked for it specifically but merely of what it meant.  An eruption of laughter was heard as I reached into the gift bag and pulled out...a snuggie.  Immediately my girlfriends all looked at each other laughing and said, "you know cause of what she wrote on her blog."  I was immediately overcome by a very uncomfortable feeling.  And just like that it hit me.  Hard.  FEAR.  Holy Shit!  I thought to myself.  They're reading my blog!!!  I panicked.  Freaked out. I looked over at my good friend Heather, remembering a comment she had posted just the day before.  I nervously looked up at her, then back down as I kicked my feet around like a shy lil girl and said to her, "hey, thanks for what you wrote the other day, that was really sweet."   I tried to act cool, remain calm and said something like, "Ok, so who's ready for another drink?"  Doing my best to try to keep the conversation from continuing further, that way I wouldn't hear what it is that they really thought about it all. 

I spent the rest of that night reliving the moment in my head, the awkwardness, the uncomfortableness, the downright wussiness of it all.  What was I thinking???  Opening myself up like this online for the world including all my family and friends to see.  If I can't even stand the thought of my friends discussing it around me, then what the hell am I doing?  But why?  What is it that I'm afraid of?  I should be so lucky, so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends that they want to read about and support me on my new and exciting journey.  They want me to take them and take their kids to far out random locations to act silly, make memories, and take some pictures. (okay, maybe that last part is more what I want ;)) They're the ones who know me best and still love me the most for it!  So why?  Why do I allow myself to be held captive in this same place in time, not moving forward towards my goals nor abandoing them, not accomplishing, just still, sitting, waiting, wondering...  What if I fail?  What if I put myself out there completely, and I give it all I got (and everyone can see) and I still fall flat on my face?  What then? 
I guess only time (facing my fears) will tell...

Till next time
-Triny

What can happen in a year + Turning 30

My birthday weekend has officially begun, and for the first time in a long time, I'm anything but excited.  You see this year I'm turning 30.  That's right; take a second to process that...THIRTY.   Although I originally thought I'd have no problem with this inevitable part of life, it's safe to say that I. Was. WRONG!  The joy and excitement that usually comes with my birthday seems to be gone, replaced only with a sense of sadness, maybe even a little confusion.  I've seen several friends and loved ones reach this milestone, some with more grace than others. ;)  And I've always felt like I'd be able to take it in stride, no problem.  But the strangest things have started happening, and it's evident, I'm beginning to break course; the most recent incident occurred last night while I opened my first (early) birthday gift from Buddy & Johnny.  I ripped open the wrapping to find a copy of Teen Witch, one of my all time favorite movies from when I was just a little girl!  I must've told Johnny about this movie at least 100 times in the nearly ten years we've been together and he remembered. 

He sees the joy on my face and sweetly says,
"I hope it makes you feel like a kid again."
And just like that, I started to cry. 
A real good cry, you know the kind that hurts a little?
I hug him tightly crying all the while and whisper,
"Thank you."  "I love it, I love You."
Johnny surprisingly looks back at me and says,
"I had no idea, you'd like it that much!"
half laughing, half unsure if I'm about to start crying again. 
I shrug my shoulders, drop my head and simply say,
"It's just...I hadn't really realized just how old I was gonna be, until now." 
And then I cried in his arms, and he let me. 

Awhile later I dried my tears, went into the office, sat behind my desk and started working.  While editing in Lightroom I became distracted by the row of dates/ unedited photos in my library to my left, when one in particular caught my eye.  02/04/2010.  Last year, on this date, I had the extreme pleasure of attending a Big 'Ol Brainwash (a mentoring session) with the one and only, Mrs. Lauren Clark.  For weeks I was sooo excited just thinking about it.  I had been following Lauren's work and blog for about 5 years, loving ALL of it; I felt like I knew her personally, even though we'd never met.  I envisioned us immediately 'clicking' and becoming the best of friends, her teaching me everything that I loved about her photography and me soaking it all in like the wonderful lil protégé I'd be.  Alas, the day came and it was everything I thought it'd be, except for one very crucial part, ME!  I arrived late, (I know, go figure!) but that's where the normalcy ended.  I found myself nervous, reserved, reluctant to speak, even a lil shy; nothing, nothing like myself, but more like the frizzy haired little girl who was uncomfortable with the fact that she was over-weight so she used humor and laughter as a cover-up, was unsure about everything and had yet to find herself.   I was immediately intimated; worried that I would know so much less than everyone else and it would show, scared that I'd ask a stupid question that was so obvious to the others, uncomfortable that someone would notice my 5 yr old camera and lack of shiny new lenses.  I went through the day like this, occasionally allowing the real me to come out in the form of a joke or an erruption of laughter.  I learned a lot that day, about my camera, posing, lighting, flash, and editing, but most of all I learned something very important about myself.  I may not have the newest camera or the fastest lenses or all sorts of editing programs and actions saved on a laptop (I didn't even have a laptop) and I may not be Lauren Clark's best friend or up and coming protégé; but I am ME.  And that's all I'll ever be able to be!  :) 

A lot can happen in a year.  I've finally gotten off my tukis and started working at and sharing my photography.  Johnny and I were officially married (and we were honered that it was captured beautifully by my other photog crush, The Kick Ass Kristin Bednarz!), The Bud turned 8, Johnny graduated from TTU, and I've learned that everyone had to start somewhere.  I've abandoned my fears of failure and am now on my journey to where I want to be! 

These pics are from the Brainwash I attended last year.  I'm sharing them with you now partly because I think they're beautiful and it's about time they see the light of day, but also to remind myself to never again take for granted the precious time God has given me!  For a lot can happen in a year, here's to seeing what my 30th has in store for me!  :)  



Till next time

- Triny

Spring shall soon be here again + other warm thoughts

I sit behind my desk in an old sweat shirt and pajama bottoms that are and two sizes too big and drag along the floor to completely enclose my sock covered feet, but yet I'm still cold.  I get up and check the thermostat, raising it just a bit and go back to my desk to edit.  A few minutes later, the same thing, dragging my pajama bottoms across the carpet as I go back and fourth a few times until Johnny follows me into the hallway, reads the themostat and says, "Geez, Triny!  It's 75 degrees in here!"  "I can't help it honey, I'm so cold!" I say in my defense.  "Well grab a blanket," he says.  "I can't edit with a blanket over me."  For a second I think about saying, 'This is why I need a Snuggi,'  but catch myself before the words exit my mouth!  Lol! It's freezing!  Literally freezing; as in ice on the inside of some of the windows in our home.  But we're not alone, across the US millions of people are facing the elements in what's being referred to in the media as 'an epic winter storm.'  Here in West Texas we've faced our own share of snow, ice, extreme temperatures and wind chill factors that haven't been felt in over 20 years!  And yet only a few days ago the weather here was BEAUTIFUL.  So beautiful in fact that Buddy had the great idea to fire up the grill and Grandpa's fire pit and have a cook out.  And so we did.  :) 

Today Punxsutawney Phil (lol!) saw his shadow, so here's to hoping he's right and spring shall soon be here again!  And my family will be able to enjoy many more nights like this!  :)

Yes, we know that the Cowboys aren't playing in the big game this weekend. 

But true fans are loyal, even when things get down.  ;)

Dad cooked on the grill like only he can. 

Laughs were shared  :)

and races were held. 

Till next time, stay warm!  :) 
-Triny