Ay, ay, ay, ay, where to begin. Well, I guess the beginning is as good as anywhere else. So let's see, it's been three months since my last post, that's right folks, three. whole. months. :( Not anywhere near the three posts a week I had hoped to be accomplishing by this point. (actually that was my New Year's resolution, but I didn't share it w/ anyone for fear that I'd be called out rather quickly for not keeping it, which is the problem with all my other resolutions ;)) FEAR, it's a funny four letter word when you think about it. It can get you in as much trouble as it's four letter couterparts, yet not for speaking, shrieking, or screaming it at the top of your lungs; but rather for what it makes you do or not do. FEAR has kept me from exploring my thoughts, sharing my journey, looking deep down into the core of me and asking myself the hard questions: What is it in this life that I truly desire to do? Who is it that I think I want to be? Where is it that I really hope to go? And the toughest of all, What if I don't succeed??? FEAR. It stings like ice to your skin and really hits you where it hurts most. To some it can be paralyzing, to others a greater motivation to achieve, to me; to me it's like an inner voice keeping me contained inside my own little box, my thoughts, my words, my dreams, all help captive by a simple word, FEAR.
It was my birthday weekend and Johnny had planned a wonderful surprise party for me with some of our nearest and dearest friends at my favorite restaurant. After dinner we all went back to the house for a few drinks where the ladies could gather around the table and talk and the men aligned themselves in the living room each w/ his perfect spot to see "the fight". The drinks were flowing right along with the laughs and we stopped for a minute so I could open presents. Admittedly, I have the best friends from whom I received some really great and thoughtful presents, but one stood out among the others. Not b/c I liked it more than anyone else's, I'd always wanted one, or b/c I had asked for it specifically but merely of what it meant. An eruption of laughter was heard as I reached into the gift bag and pulled out...a snuggie. Immediately my girlfriends all looked at each other laughing and said, "you know cause of what she wrote on her blog." I was immediately overcome by a very uncomfortable feeling. And just like that it hit me. Hard. FEAR. Holy Shit! I thought to myself. They're reading my blog!!! I panicked. Freaked out. I looked over at my good friend Heather, remembering a comment she had posted just the day before. I nervously looked up at her, then back down as I kicked my feet around like a shy lil girl and said to her, "hey, thanks for what you wrote the other day, that was really sweet." I tried to act cool, remain calm and said something like, "Ok, so who's ready for another drink?" Doing my best to try to keep the conversation from continuing further, that way I wouldn't hear what it is that they really thought about it all.
I spent the rest of that night reliving the moment in my head, the awkwardness, the uncomfortableness, the downright wussiness of it all. What was I thinking??? Opening myself up like this online for the world including all my family and friends to see. If I can't even stand the thought of my friends discussing it around me, then what the hell am I doing? But why? What is it that I'm afraid of? I should be so lucky, so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends that they want to read about and support me on my new and exciting journey. They want me to take them and take their kids to far out random locations to act silly, make memories, and take some pictures. (okay, maybe that last part is more what I want ;)) They're the ones who know me best and still love me the most for it! So why? Why do I allow myself to be held captive in this same place in time, not moving forward towards my goals nor abandoing them, not accomplishing, just still, sitting, waiting, wondering... What if I fail? What if I put myself out there completely, and I give it all I got (and everyone can see) and I still fall flat on my face? What then?
I guess only time (facing my fears) will tell...
Till next time
-Triny
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